Food Food Food

I will be adding a food page to my blog - the link will be on the top of my blog under "Recipes".

Enjoy :)

Finding Freedom and Independence

Tonight was a night that will continually change me. A woman who I've practically known my whole life gave me some of the best advice I've ever received - even better than advice that my own mom has given me. In an array of lengthy paragraphs full of drunken nights and childish mistakes, I managed to pull out one sentence that will stick with me forever - "I was sixteen, drunk, and had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, I knew nothing."

After hearing those twenty something words flow out of her mouth like she had said them a million times before, I finally realized that I'm more like her than I've ever noticed. I never saw how similar we truly were, and as it hit me I found myself wishing that I could ask her more questions, gossip and gab with her about our mistakes and how similar we were - yet I stopped myself. With my mother in the chair beside me, listening to the woman just as closely as I was, I knew I couldn't act as interested as I truly was. It would hurt her inside to know I was so intrigued by this woman's life - even more so than I was in my own mother's.

So I kept my mouth shut, the questions building up a brick wall inside of me, brick by brick slowly but surely until the wall was too tall to build anymore. So I politely left my seat, and came up here, to my room, where I have quietly been piecing together my thoughts - and although I may never get to ask that woman about her journeys and mistakes, and revel in the thought of our similarities, I will get to know forever and ever as long as I live and breathe, that, someone out there in the world is the same as me.

And as little as she may know - that makes the biggest difference in my world.

I've Made My Bed...Now What?

I'm calling Eric tonight. I'm leading him on. I wish I could just tell him how I really feel, how I don't know my feelings for him and that I just need time. But time is the one thing I don't have. I wish I could have all the time in the world, but unfortunately this fall he'll be leaving for college in Oregon, 3000 miles away from me. I'm scared to get into any sort of 'thing' with him because I know that if I end up falling in love with me, that I will only end up heartbroken. Long distance relationships never work, especially with a girl like me, and a guy like him. He likes to party, I like to party, he's starting his freshman year of college, that means experimentation, frat parties, meeting new people. I'm starting my junior year of high school, that means finding a prom date, possibly meeting new people, and getting closer to those who I've slowly been getting to know through new classes and what not. I can't see myself being happy with Eric, and as selfish and sad as that may sound, I know that I can't force myself to love someone when I don't. I can't hurt him, I want to be friends with him forever. I want to be able to look back on high school and college and remember him, and possibly even be friends with him when I'm 30. I want to be there for him when he has girl troubles, or when he has family issues. I like him so much, and I care about him so much that I just can't fall for him. It's definitely the toughest decision I've had to make in a while, but I've finally made it. Now I just need to figure out how to tell him...

Is It Wrong?

I'm currently talking to 3 different people. One I'm definitely getting somewhat serious with. The other 2 are just flings for now. Eric, is the one who I'm getting kind of serious with. He really likes me - and he is the one who some of my latest blog posts have been about. I do like him a lot, but I'm just not sure exactly where my feelings stand. For the past couple of nights we've been talking on the phone. Last night we talked for over an hour. Just hearing his voice for the first time in what has seemed like forever, sent shivers down my spine and put a smile on my face. I do miss seeing him everyday during school - and it's next to impossible to even see him now because I'm grounded (and I have been for the past month). It's definitely not an easy relationship to keep up. We're still trying though, to talk to each other everyday, and stay up to date with what is going on in each other's lives.

On the other hand, however, I'm talking to Sam. Sam is so sweet, he's funny, good-looking, and he loves hockey. I love hockey as well, so of course we have a lot to talk about with each other. I've mostly talked to him over text, we started talking about a month or so ago and I haven't been able to see too much of him because of the whole grounded situation. The only times I've really seen him is in school, and every time I have seen him we've talked for a minute or so or said the occasional "hello". I can definitely see me and Sam becoming a couple. I really do like him, his personality is amazing, he has a great sense of humor, he's basically everything I want in a guy. And the best is he's not too confident about himself and he will say exactly what's on his mind when he wants too - unlike Eric.

Finally, I'm talking to Connor. Connor and I started talking about a week or so ago, so we don't know each other that well, but I've heard of him before and I've seen him around a couple of times so we do know who each other are. Connor is really funny, athletic, sweet, intelligent, he's literally perfect. He has the most amazing green eyes I've ever seen on a guy. Eyes that just seem to pierce straight through you and go straight to your soul. He has the cutest freckles that create random trails of speckles over his nose and cheeks. He's simply gorgeous. Me and Connor have a lot in common as well - he loves to party, I love to party, and that definitely makes me like him even more. He'd e able to get me into a lot of parties, and I know right now I sound kinda like I'm using him for that, but not at all. Of course that does factor in, but I do like his personality. Unfortunately I have yet to talk to Connor in person, or to hang out with him. Which I am sure will happen soon. In fact, just today he asked me if I wanted to go the drive-in movie theater with him sometimes after I'm grounded. The one awkward part about that, is that Eric asked me to do the exact same thing.

Do I go to the drive-in theater with Eric and Connor? Or do I have to choose one? I can't risk having either find out we went on the same date.. but if I have to risk it to figure out who I like, then so be it. I'm just so torn between 3 guys. Me and Eric have even made a bucket list, talking about things we have to do before the summer is over, before he heads off for college back in Oregon in the fall. We've spent hours talking about going to the city, to Boston to see a patriots game, and even going to the beach for a day. Everything sounds so perfect, but something keeps holding me back from Eric. Maybe it's that he is so serious about everything, I don't know yet. Me and Sam haven't really talked too much about hanging out, a couple times we've talked about maybe grabbing dinner or a coffee but nothing too serious. I just hope that I can figure all of this out soon. I want to have a good summer - but I don't want to be committed to just one single person. So is it wrong to test-ride all 3? I guess I'll find out.

I Should've Told Him When I Had the Chance

I know that he likes me so much, yet I'm stuck in a situation that I've never been in before. It's so hard knowing how much he likes me and not knowing if I even like him back in the slightest way. I want too so bad because I can tell he'd make a great boyfriend and that he'd care about and take care of me, but something keeps holding me back. Maybe I'm afraid to get close to someone, it makes sense. I just can't keep living a lie and acting like I like him back. It's killing me. Especially because I'm talking to 3 other people, just as friends mostly now, but what if something does happen? What if I do develop a crush for someone else? What do I tell him? He thinks I like him so much. I've dug a hole so deep for myself that I can barely see the light. There's no easy way for me to get out of this. I'm all alone, on my own, and I don't want to lose a friend.

Selfish, Selfless, Road to Find the Missing Piece (Part I)

Wow, I haven't been on in 2 years. Crazy how much has changed. I'm practically a different person. I've been heartbroken over and over in these past years, but I quickly learned what I had to do to stay safe and protect myself from harm. I'm a better person now. I've pieced back my relationships with family and friends little by little and mended my broken heart. It's safe to say I'm happier now than I've ever been. I've got the guy, the friends, the job, the looks, and the life going for me that I've always dreamed of. Couldn't ask for anything better, which is why what I'm about to say is very selfish. I'm missing something, and I need that thing. No matter how hard it is to get, I will find it and I will get it. I'm not sure what that thing is, but I'll figure it out eventually. If I don't who knows what could happen. I just need to be as happy as I can.

So in these next few months of summer vacation, me and my sixteen year old self are going to pour our heart and soul out to you. I hope you take my words and use them in your own life and that they help you like they helped me. I'm going to be traveling the roads that I need to take in order to fill up the black hole that is inside of me. I need to fill it up before it engulfs me in it's darkness and I'm unable to escape.

Wish me luck. More to come soon..